10 Ways to Be Your Most Miserable Self

misery monster

So you woke up today wanting to be miserable…

There’s nothing like a dash of misery in the morning to start off the day on the wrong foot.

However, you may not be miserable enough. You know the feeling; there’s something nagging you inside, telling you:

Pete, your life would be so much better if only you could be a tad more miserable, mate.

Fortunately, we’re here to help you and Pete! Let’s take a look at the ten ways you could be more miserable today:

1. Go for Happiness Directly (and Fail Completely)

The best way to eliminate happiness is by going for it directly.

Why think about additional, small good things that happen?

Why focus on goals you could achieve over time, and for which your brain would reward you with additional motivation?

Boring.

Instead, march towards happiness and demand for it to happen. Focus on that huge, unrealistic happiness you know you can’t attain in a week.  

It’ll make you all the more miserable and set the right foundations for failure!  

Misery rating: 6/10


2. Focus on the Negatives – Always

There’s always some good in every bad thing that happens, or so we’ve been told.

Instead, if you want to be miserable, you should avoid noticing good things, and complain about everything.

Fortunately, being miserable has never been easier than it is today.

Just switch on the telly and you’ll have plenty of material to proclaim that the world has always been a s#!&&% place, so why bother seeing the bright side of things in friends and family?

Misery rating: 8/10 (for the convenience)


3. Don’t Set Realistic Goals

Listen, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to set realistic goals. You’ll never be miserable then, and we don’t want that, do we?

Instead, forget about SMART goals that clearly outline the roadmap to success, and focus on goals that are:

  • Shadowy
  • Barely there
  • No clear way of achieving them

They’re the ones you should be aiming for!

After all, breaking up a big goal into multiple small tasks will just make happiness more achievable.

Misery rating: 5/10 (lacks flair)


4. Want to Be Miserable? Develop Insomnia

If your desire for being miserable doesn’t do you in, insomnia will. It reduces your motivation, increases the risk of depression, and generally makes you feel horrible.

Imagine yourself after a good night’s rest. You’re smiling, happy, looking forward to what the day has to offer.

And then imagine yourself after you fell asleep at 4am and woke up at 2pm. Grouchy, tired, hitting all the corners with your little toe.

Now doesn’t that sound good?

So if you really want to be miserable, don’t try to fall asleep and wake up every day at the same time and make your schedule more regular.

Instead, grab a screen and stay up till dawn every day!

Misery rating: 6/10


5. Avoid Sunlight and Recreation

It’s been scientifically proven that avoiding sunlight and recreation increases your chances of being miserable.

So if you’re really committed, batten down the hatches, avoid sunlight at all times, and make Seasonal Affective Disorder your best mate.

After all, the acronym for this disorder spells SAD and that’s exactly what you want to be.

As soon as you come home, hit the bed. Turn your pillows and blankets into a mountain of warmth and misery because that’s the best mountain there is.

Don’t actually climb a real mountain. It’ll just make you happier.

Misery rating: 10/10 (shows commitment and even makes you sick)


6. Never Visit Your Friends

Friends are overrated. In fact, they don’t even help you be miserable.

Think about it: you’re feeling down and you grab a cup of tea with your friend. You’ll see that they have problems too, you’ll commiserate and you’ll feel better.

That’s definitely not an option superior to wallowing in your misery. And while you’re at it, make sure you alienate your family, too.

Stay your miserable self alone because, unlike happiness, misery is best enjoyed when it’s NOT shared.

Misery rating: 9/10


7. Stare at Your Screen

This is one very neat trick to make yourself more miserable one step at a time! Kind of like how they say you should approach goals.

Except this is so much better.

You should be looking at your screen constantly. Lunch break? Screen. Sitting on the toilet? Screen. Trying to fall asleep? Screen.

Staring at a screen 99% of the time will successfully stop you from making friends, disrupt your sleep schedule, make your eyes sting, and could even affect your digestion.

It’s a win-win.

Misery rating: 7/10


8. Stay in Your Comfort Zone

Trying new things is for happy people.

They boost their serotonin with new hobbies and passions that brighten their day even when they’re feeling down.

But you want to be miserable so go ahead, keep doing the same things and watching TV shows with amazing things happening to other people.

Misery rating: 5/10


9. Keep Doing the Same Thing

You know what they say at your misery club: if something’s broken, don’t fix it, for the love of God.

So keep doing the same things that have proven to be effective at inducing the feeling of misery.

Are you overindulging? Smoking five packs a day? Eating like a McDonalds ad?

You go do that. Don’t change a single habit that fuels your misery!

If you change your habits, you’re at risk of being actually happy.

Misery rating: 8/10 because of its effectiveness


10. Cherish and Cultivate Misery

Misery is your ally so actively seek out new ways of being miserable.

And if you’re one of those happy-go-luckies who actually want to be happy, well… Just do the opposite of everything we’ve mentioned.

We’re sure you’ll feel better.

Ugh.

Inspired by the best selling book: How to Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use by Randy J Paterson (link to amazon)

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